I am currently in Perth for a weekend of celebration for two extraordinary women who are turning 80 years old, both of whom have had enormous impacts and influence on my life. I have known them both for 40 of my 56 years and feel so lucky to have been in their orbits. They are life friends, have raised children, lost children, enjoyed family successes, weathered life tragedies, many laughs, have disagreed at times, pushing each other to have the difficult conversations but always coming together over a glass of chilled French. It has been so inspiring to be with them again, along with their peers, a group of impressive 80-year-old women; nurses, teachers, politicians, business women, wives of CEO’s, mothers, and actors. I decided to make the most of this opportunity and ask them a series of questions, to understand the sacrifices, the regrets but most importantly the triumphs achieved across their eighty years.
What would you have done differently?
Interestingly, two wished they had done journalism (as do I!), both told by their fathers “this was not a job for women as you’ll end up on crime scenes” (!), one wished she had gone to NIDA, one into politics, and one said she would not have changed anything, having had a very successful career in nursing, taking great pride in her working life at the forefront of IVF nursing in Australia as well as raising 4 children.
How do you feel about ageing?
One quoted the late great Katherine Hepburn who said, “age does not matter; at any age you are either interesting or not!” I love this, so true, it is better to be interesting and interested, I encourage my own kids to live by this, to ask questions of others, to not bang on about themselves but ask people about their stories, especially their grandparents. One said, in regard to ageing, “bring it on, who cares, so what! My short-term memory could be better” but besides that she looks at the lines on her face as the pathways of her life. One talked of the importance of a healthy, strong body, to have muscle strength to hold your body up, keep moving, good posture, to age gracefully, stay away from plastic surgery, that leads to regret, be at peace with your face and wear sunscreen!
What has brought you the most joy?
Unanimously family from all, but one talked of marrying a compassionate man who has been an amazing backstop in her life, encouraging her to try new pathways in business and politics. What did amaze me were the number that said they were not with men that were the loves of their lives! Those had been sacrificed mostly for security, companionship, friendship, necessity. Wow!
What would you still like to do?
Travel, and not just luxury travel, but adventure, swimming with the white pointers, one said “I want to look into the jaws of a great white and say well you can’t get me! To teach our grandchildren skills such as cooking, kindness, to take risks, exercise moderation and gratitude, to carry on the family history. To decide what you want, make a plan and work on it, Every. Single. Day.”
Great lives lived.
This process reminded me of the terrific interview between Julia Louis Dreyfus (JLD) and Jane Fonda (JF).
JLD has built a series of interviews around women in their 80’s called “Wiser than Me” and acknowledges that women have become invisible after a certain age, saying “well fuck that, I want to know how to navigate ageing and life, how to keep contributing and remain relevant.”
Jane Fonda who has been an American icon, leading a life of passion, advocacy, trail blazing, an aerobics queen, anti-war, bringing attention to the climate crisis, says “I feel 85 in my body, but mentally and spiritually much younger. When you are inside old age rather than looking at it is not that scary, you just need to focus on health, if you are healthy, 85 can be quite young.” She realised in her 60’s that she was heading into her final chapter, needing to make sense of her first two, acknowledging that you can’t go forward until you know where you have been. She performed a life review and realised how brave she had been. That it was actually easier being older, the pressure eases, and you have the benefit of hindsight, and a life lived. She noted how when younger she thought to be successful, she needed to hitch herself to a strong and interesting man. She had no female friends until she had a daughter, then she gravitated towards women. As an activist she noticed how powerful women were, they behaved with kindness, generosity, humanity, men rarely treat you like that, she felt seen, not as an actress but as a woman.
I have enjoyed reflecting on all the women in my life and there are many, some with very prolific and publicly successful careers, others are intellects, CEO’s, publishers, leading executives, journalists, teachers, medico’s, however the stand out is my own mother, she will possibly never understand the respect I have for her selflessness as our Mum, always there, brave, strong, reliable, resolute, fiercely loyal, fun loving, discerning. I know she wishes she had done more for herself, but there is plenty to say about being a career wife and mother, building friendships, providing safety and love for your family, unconditionally.
Heading into my own third chapter, without realising it, I have performed my own life review in the past 18 months, getting rid of the dead wood, old habits, cleaning things up (well except for my kitchen drawers, note to self!), focusing on health, fitness, building a strong chassis to carry me forward, seeking out fun and adventure, committing more time to the “luckies”, my gaggle of girls that I have gathered along the life path of school, work, kids, family, sport, and honestly just bloody good luck. I know the importance of mentors and hopefully being one. To be brave. The older I get the braver I am, the braver I am, the luckier I get.
What I found interesting with these 80-year-old women, none of them said, “gee I wish I had spent more time on social media!” They are leading ladies in their own lives, showing up for each other, and beyond everything, they are having a big laugh at life. Enjoying their health, their families, their partners, even if they are not necessarily with the loves of their lives, they are ok with this. They know there is not just THE one, there are many ones, and they bring different learnings throughout life. Of paramount importance, however, is the power of female friendship. The commitment of time, to honour them and turn up when required, without excuse or judgement.
In summary, my takeout of spending time with multiple octogenarians - grab life and all the opportunities presented, read, laugh, travel, have adventures, love, keep fit, weight off, stay relevant, be grateful and definitely be a considerate and committed girlfriend, wear sunscreen and drink as much chilled French as possible, within moderation of course!
Thanks for tuning in…. follow your bliss….
XX Ringo XX